Meeting the Challenges of Single-Parenting
What are some of the
various needs and challenges of single parenting? In this session, we will seek
to better understand the dynamics of single parenting including looking at
specific issues involving children who are experiencing death or divorce. We will
also discuss practical ways to develop a support system as well as utilizing
the technique of “selective neglect” in dealing with issues of task management
and problem solving.
Some problems in a
single parent's life can be solved. Fixed once and for all. Wrapped up. Put to
bed. Other problems will never be solved, but they can be managed. Adjusted.
Modified. Brought under control. The trick is to figure out which problems are which.
Once you know, fix what's fixable, and don't waste energy on things that won't
go away no matter what you do. We might compare these issues to the world of
medicine. An attack of appendicitis, for example, can be solved with surgery.
Diabetes, on the other hand, cannot be fixed; it must be managed with insulin,
exercise, limited diet, and adequate rest one day at a time. The same holds
true for us single parents.
Once we sort our
problems into solvables and manageables, we can take more control of our lives,
go to work with efficiency, and gain peace of mind. We can jump on the problems
that can be solved in, say, three to six months, settling them in order of
importance. Meanwhile, we can also begin managing the problems that will never
go away, but can be controlled. Here are some examples of both categories from
the lives of single parents I know:
Finances
One woman, struggling
with the mortgage payments and care of a too-large home, agreed with her
ex-husband to sell the place. With her part of the equity, she paid cash for a
smaller town house. This eliminated yard maintenance, high utility bills, and
all house payments. It allowed her to get on with the business of being a
parent as well as a supportive daughter to her aging mother. A classic solution.
Other financial
crunches, of course, are not so quickly settled. John's salary was adequate
while he was married and his wife was able to supplement the income. After the
divorce, he moved into a small apartment barely large enough to accommodate weekend
visits from his two children. The demands of child support and maintaining a
separate household strapped him financially. No solution was in sight for at
least four years, when his son turned 18. But John began to manage these
unsolvable matters. He went back to school to acquire skills for a
higher-paying job. He let his children know that college was possible if they
attended the nearby community college while living at home and working
part-time. These were some of the ways John found to manage these issues.
Joyce could not solve
her financial problems, either. Her husband deserted her during her pregnancy.
She moved in with loving grandparents and worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken as
much as she could. After the child was born, she continued to live with them,
worked, and attended business school for a year. After graduation, she got a
better job. Though Joyce could not change the fact that she was a single mom,
she took the right steps toward managing her life and became self-supporting.
When we suddenly find ourselves financially vulnerable, fear can descend upon
us like a thunderstorm. In those worst moments, it pays to reshape expectations
and examine the problems for solution or management.
Fatigue
Another problem that
most single parents must manage is running out of energy. Several years ago, I
was widowed with three children, ages 14, 12, and 7. I quickly discovered there
was no quick solution to the fatigue issue! My management efforts included
reading newspapers or magazines in the car while waiting for the kids after
church youth activities, sports events, or music lessons. I decided never to
work at my job more than 45 hours a week, and I reduced my travel schedule by
half. I compromised weekly housecleaning with a semi-monthly lick-and-a-promise
approach. The children took on extra assignments, and I enrolled my son in a
seventh-grade bachelor cooking course. My children were on three different
Christian-school campuses. Should I consolidate them onto one and thus save
myself a lot of driving? With the trauma they had already suffered through the
death of their mother, I chose not to disrupt their lives further by removing
them from familiar places, peer groups, and activities. In this case, the
compromise was too great.
Single parents who
manage the fatigue problem best are those who develop a strong support system.
One joint-custodial father who had to make unexpected evening calls away from
home found ways to leave his daughters with nearby friends at a moment's
notice. A single mother near my home relied on surrogate grandparents who kept
her children one weekend every month. They loved having their
"grandchildren" come. Meanwhile, the mother could flop, do housework,
shop, or go to the beach. They were her two days to call her own. None of this
puts an end to the overload problem, of course. But it does make for good
management.
Grief issues are
different from the functional problems of finances and fatigue. Grief does not
end in six months. It might take two or three years. The sadness, depression,
and anger make us feel like we are on a never-ending emotional roller coaster.
Grief problems are management problems. Persons determined to find a quick
resolution to their pain and confusion often take drastic, destructive action.
Among these "solution" responses are rebound marriages, heavy alcohol
and drug use, promiscuous sexual behavior, or even suicide or homicide. While
many of these responses are anger-driven, they also come from an assumption
that I can and must fix this problem completely.
In managing grief, we
need to understand there is no way to be prepared for the emotional hurricanes
following divorce or death of a spouse. One man told his counselor he had
experienced horror upon horror in Vietnam, but going through a divorce was
worse. I once attended a grief workshop where a leading psychologist admitted
there was one night during his own divorce when he would have committed suicide
had not some loving person been on the other end of a hot line. He revealed it
was not until he was in the trenches himself that he really understood. This
man had kids to live and provide for. Picking up the phone to call a suicide
hot line did not solve his pain, but it certainly managed to keep him alive.
Loneliness
Diane, who recently
became a single parent, found Friday evenings especially hard. Before the
divorce, these had been letdown times and the beginning of weekend family
togetherness. One night she phoned a dozen friends to come over with their
favorite snacks. She put on the coffee and chilled the soft drinks. They
talked, played games, and watched TV. Loneliness was held at bay at least for
one Friday evening. Though old practices could not be maintained, new ones were
started.
Following the death of
Fran's husband, she decided holidays alone with her daughter would be
intolerable. She chose to manage the first Christmas by inviting another single
mother and her daughter to come over on Christmas Eve. They spent the night,
exchanged gifts in the morning, and cooked dinner later that day. This turned
into a yearly tradition for these two families.
A single father who saw
his children every other weekend decided to manage his loneliness on opposite
Saturdays by assigning himself specific physical tasks. He accomplished
everything from detailing his car to painting a room to refinishing pieces of
furniture. For this single father, physical activity became an excellent
management for his loneliness.
Anger problems take
long-term management. A study of middle-class divorced families near San
Francisco showed that after 10 years of divorce, 40 percent of the women were
still angry with their former husbands, and 30 percent of the men still held
anger toward their former wives. After 10 years! While many were reacting to
new hurts and continued financial and legal struggles over the children, others
had never made a conscious effort to manage and resolve the initial anger from
the divorce. One possibility for managing our anger is to keep a diary. Each
day, write down the following: 1) The anger felt; 2) The hour and place; 3) The
situation; 4) How you responded; 5) What you actually want but haven't gotten
so far; 6) what action you plan to take, and 7) Any previous action plans
completed today. After six months of keeping a detailed anger diary, you should
understand your anger better and eventually move beyond management to solution.
Child Visitation
Closely associated with
anger problems are child visitation issues, which inevitably seem to kindle
anger. The few divorced parents who actually solve visitation conflicts are the
ones who decide the children need both biological parents to be involved in
their lives. They make a decision to compromise, regardless of how they feel.
One man said at a singles gathering, "My ex-wife and I loathe each other,
but we both love our son and have decided to cooperate for his welfare."
At the same meeting, a mother said, "I don't want my children to ever see
their father again." A single father challenged her, "That's how you
feel about him, but your kids most likely perceive him differently."
Most of these problems
are not going to be solved until the children can drive. For younger children
and parents who become emotionally torn over visitation experiences, it can be
helpful to experiment with some management possibilities. Perhaps you can ask a
friend to transfer your children to the destination for visitation. You might
also meet at a neutral location, such as the supermarket parking lot, for
exchanging the children. However, never make the church or school parking lot
your exchange point. That could contaminate feelings about the church or create
a negative association with school.
Finding male role models
is a tough problem for nearly all single moms. The fortunate ones have stable,
caring grandparents nearby. The rest have to go hunting for work colleagues or
church acquaintances. One mother's son was on the high school water polo team.
She asked the coach, who was a Christian, if he could give extra time and
attention to her son. The coach, a two-time Olympian, responded with a sense of
mission. It turned out to be a perfect arrangement during water polo and swim
seasons. Be creative and assertive in managing this problem
You face a multitude of
other problems, such as discipline and handling unstructured after-school
hours. Visualize yourself as an airport controller who has too many planes
coming in for landings at the same time. He or she puts some in a management or
holding-pattern position. The planes keep circling at designated altitudes
until landing slots become available. Emergencies such as a plane low on fuel
get priority and are immediately signaled for a final approach. As a controller
keeps order and safety for passengers, you can serve the needs of your
children. Carefully evaluate your time and resources, organize your problems
into solution or management categories, take the appropriate actions, and then
release them to God's hands. You'll be amazed at the difference.
