March 2002
It’s been said that the only constant in our world today
is change. As my wife and I have looked back over our life to this point, we would
have to agree.
We have faced our fair share of uncertainty, surprises and transitions. In a
period of just eight years, we experienced:
The words “imposed change” were part of the fabric of
our life, and on the stress scale, we should not have made it as a couple.
Coping with change is never easy. Most of us resist it, because we are
comfortable and secure in our world as we know it. And yet, if change is an
inevitable reality of life (and it is), then we’d better be prepared to respond
when the unexpected comes knocking on our door.
We’d like to share with you some principles for dealing with change, which we
developed as we moved through these experiences. Because change comes in
countless different forms, every situation is unique. Nevertheless, these
lessons will be helpful for you to keep in mind and adapt to whatever
circumstances you may face.
1. Recognize That You are in Change
As we have said, most of us have a natural aversion to change. We have a
tendency to want to stick our heads in the sand and hope that it will go away
by the time we come up for air.
This strategy may provide short-term relief, but it never helps in the
long-run. Denial does not make our problems disappear; instead it usually makes
things worse by giving us less time to think through a reasoned response.
Instead, when unexpected circumstances arise, it is best to face them head on.
2. Honestly Face Your Fears
Not every person has the same tolerance to risk. Some adventurous souls
actually relish the adventure of new situations. Others like their life exactly
as it is: nice and predictable. For these people, the idea of change produces
fear.
In his book Slaying the Giants in Your Life, David Jeremiah gives some
excellent suggestions on what to do when fear strikes:
We would also recommend developing an accountability
relationship with another person. An accountability partner can give you the
encouragement you need to press on and trust the Lord to get you through it.
3. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
John Kotter, Management Consultant and Author, writes that one error leaders
make during times of change is that they underestimate the issue of
communication by a factor of 10. Certainly the same is true of couples. In
order to successfully navigate change as a couple, it is vital that you be on
the same page with one another. You need to know how your spouse feels about
the impending transition. You also need one another’s wisdom and ideas as you
explore all of your options.
If you are approaching a major change in your life, set aside a special date
night to talk through the issues with your spouse. Coping with change is
difficult enough when we are united; it is much harder when we are pulling in
different directions.
4. Take Stock of Your Resources
Anytime unforeseen circumstances arise, a key step is to evaluate the resources
you have at your disposal as you deal with the issue. Depending on the specific
situation you are facing, your relevant resources could include finances, time,
skills, or even other people in your life that can help you through the
adjustment.
At times, change might require you to make some tough decisions, like perhaps
re-working your budget. For us, it meant the sale of our dream home, to pay off
debt. You may need to seek some outside counsel from someone on this.
5. Anticipate Stress
Change is rarely easy; it is often a source of great stress. To make matters
worse, you and your spouse may deal with it completely differently. We would
suggest that both of you obtain an assessment on your individual styles and how
you each handle stress. This will help you to understand one another’s stress
reactions and will enable you to work together more effectively.
Times of intense pressure can either pull you together or push you apart.
Stress will come, and you need to ensure that it does not divide and conquer.
6. Stay Close Spiritually
Above all, rely on God as the One who will get you through. He loves you and
wants nothing but the best for you. Life may not always go according to our
plan, but it does go according to His plan – and He has a good plan. Remember,
your change situation did not catch God by surprise. A verse which has been a
great encouragement to us is Psalm 22:5, “They put their trust in You and were
never disappointed.”
Help one another keep this perspective by seeking God together. Pray together
about your fears and uncertainties, and ask Him to lead you as you make
decisions. Read the Bible together, looking for direction during your times of
transition. As you make the decision together to place your lives in His
hands, you will not only find that His plan really is for your best, but also
that you can achieve new depths of marital intimacy as you face uncertainty as
a team.
