Prague,
Czech Republic, April 2002
Violence of spousal abuse is often fatal and is always
destructive. For any marriage it is wrong, but for the Christian marriage it is
also a disgrace.
According to the U.S. Department of Justice, in America
about 1/3 of American female murder victims are by domestic violence. The
number is about 3% of male murder victims. About 11% of all murder victims are
by an intimate partner, and about 1,400 women are murdered each year
(statistics vary by year).
If you are caught in that brutal trap, there is hope for
you. With firm determination, focus, you can gain a new perspective, learn new
skills, and have your marriage become what it should be. But it is not easy, it
will take time and help, and it will take unwavering commitment by both
spouses.
Definitions
What is spousal abuse? Here is a working definition. It
is a pattern of battering, bully like, and intimating behaviors that spouses
use to attack each other. Domestic violence is a broader term and includes
intimate partners and all members of a household.
Spousal abuse includes physical assaults, sexual rape
and molestation, psychological threats, stalking, and economic coercion to
terrorize the other. The heart of abuse is to gain and/or maintain power and
control over the other spouse. Violence is very effective, especially on the
part of men.
Why? Men are generally bigger, stronger, and have been
socialized to settle differences by physical force. Then, there is the
testosterone stirring up aggression. Women usually fight in other ways, such as
gossip, yelling, and less physical ways. However, some women also utilize
physical force – thought usually it is believed that women use violence as a
defense.
Causes
It is difficult to nail down one cause, but here are
some causes.
•Learned behavior. Many spousal abusers come from homes
where dads beat the daylights out of moms, and the kids think that is the way
things are. It forms a vicious cycle where kids do the same thing when they
grow up. Some cultures believe that battering is the best way to keep the woman
under control.
•Inadequate coping skills. Pressures pour in on people
causing stress and anger that the abuser does not know how to manage. Pressures
include poor communication or parenting skills, financial problems, conflict
and the everyday hassles of life.
•Opportunity. The home is the safest place for abusers
to abuse, because the privacy of the home can keep the violence secret.
•Dependency. Spousal abusers sometimes have few
supportive relationships, and their deepest relationship is with their spouse.
They form an extreme dependency on the victim that expresses itself by
possessiveness, jealousy, monitoring, stalking, and violence. These are the
ones who won’t let go, punish, harass, and would rather kill than lose the
partner.
•Psychopaths. These are the ones without conscience or
empathy, driven by excitement and instant pleasure. They can or will kill or
maim in an instant, and show no remorse. This condition is a serious
personality disorder.
Cycle of Violence
Spousal abuse typically follows a ruthless cyclical
pattern. If you and I understand the dynamics of this cycle, we can head off
violence before things boil over.
•Tension building. This first phase is where the abuser
cannot handle the pressures of life. Stressors keep piling on, and the tension
simmers and builds. They begin to be more controlling, and blame the victim
when anything goes wrong – and are generally frustrated with life.
•Explosion. Something triggers the abuser, and the
tension explodes out of control. After the tension is released, they can get
back in control of themselves. However, the victim becomes terrified,
hysterical, and emotional – and bruised, bleeding, and battered.
•Remorse and honeymoon. In this phase, guilt, fear, and
maybe remorse flood the abuser. Promises are given to never hit again. The
victim forgives, and gains a false sense of hope. Unfortunately, this is a
cycle. Cycles go ‘round and ‘round.
If intervention does not break up this merciless cycle
of spousal abuse, two things will happen. Neither is good. First, the
explosions become more intense and fierce. In the beginning, it may be just
nasty words hurled at each other. Then, things will escalate to physical force,
injury, and perhaps ultimate death.
Second, the cycle becomes more frequent. Twice yearly
explosions turn into monthly, then weekly. One woman told me that her husband
told her, “What are you complaining about; I don’t beat you up daily like my
dad did my mom”
Here are some guidelines that may bring a changed
relationship.
1. Take responsibility. Usually, both abusers and
victims tend to deny any problem, minimize the torturous harm, or blame other
people. Accept and acknowledge the very serious problem.
2. Refuse violence. A decision must be made that abuse
is a wrongful sin no matter what is the situation. The key issue is not when
will any perceived or real “unfairness” stop, but rather when will the
“violence” stop. Violence will never solve the problem, but only cause undue
harm to the children, spouse, and marriage. Just stop. Even cheating does not
warrant physical bludgeoning and injury.
3. Understand the biblical point of view. Paul says the
husband is to love, nourish, and cherish his wife like he does his own body
(Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29, 33). No sane husband would beat and bruise their
bodies bloody, black and blue – nor terrorize and injure themselves mentally.
4. Get help. Start a long term program of counseling and
learning new skills on handling stress, anger, conflict, impulses, and
interpersonal relationship through therapy and counseling. Though anger and
alcohol may be involved, neither are necessary causes of spousal abuse.
5. Leave. I will probably start a firestorm with this
advice. However, if the relationship is so toxic that physical injury is or
will occur, then the victim should leave. If you are a victim, your life and
that of your children may be in danger. No one deserves to be hit or brutalized
by their spouse. Murder and maiming do occur.
Leaving is hard, and it should be done with careful
planning, and a safe refuge to run to. Unfortunately, most murders happen in
the few months after the victim leaves the relationship. Sadly, in some
cultures there is nowhere for the victim to turn for help, and they are
assigned to a desperate life of terror.
